The In Between

I was watching a show yesterday where a baseball player's wife was interviewed. She was talking about her husband's journey from the minor leagues to the major leagues. He was playing in the minors and a major league team was interested in him. He gave it his all, knew he did the best he could, and in the end the team decided not to pick him. He was devastated and thought his career might be over. But then, 5 days later he got a call from another major league team wanting to recruit him.

I couldn't get past the phrase 5 days. Watching her tell the story in retrospect, it seemed like it was no big deal at all. But I know those 5 days of waiting were torture. However most of our lives are lived in that in between phase.

I find myself revisiting the waiting room more often than I would like. I know that a year from now, even a few months from now this in between time will seem so minor. But right now, waiting for that one phone call, email, or ____ event to take place feels like FOREVER.

, I guess the Lord is growing my patience and long suffering; you know the fruit of the spirit you always pray to have more of. As my sister reminded me, He disciplines those He loves. Right now I'm feeling stupendous amounts of God's love :)

A New Season

So the twenties have come and gone, and a new season of life has begun. I am excited to see all that God has in store for me in the next season. Thanks to all my friends who called, emailed, texted, or facebooked me birthday wishes. It's nice to be remembered :)

I did not make my weight loss goal of being my ideal weight by 30. It's a little disappointing, but 60 lbs is nothing to sneeze at either. Besides, 30 isn't the end, it's just another beginning! So here's to another year of life. It's a gift that I'm grateful to have!

Remembering the How

I had to laugh to myself as I explained to some new friends how I started my current line of work. As I told the story it seemed like everything just fell into place. One day I came back from living overseas, the next day I reconnected with a friend, then the next day she asked me to help her on a gig, and the day after that I knew it was a perfect fit, and I sailed happily away into career bliss.

Riiiiight.

It's so easy to look back in hindsight and forget the months of questioning, weeks of uncertainty and all that blasted waiting. But it truly is encouraging when I remember how things really went down. So much of life is spent in the waiting room. Often it's not til time and distance have carried me far away that I can look back and see all that God was doing during that time period.

As I find myself in another waiting room, fighting anxiety, fear, and hope, it's good to remember God's goodness and sovereignty.

My present view is not all there is.

My name will be called up soon enough.

I will have the answers I seek.

The waiting will end.

And I'll be able to see more clearly all that God was doing in me during this season. Til then, my only request is that they get some more comfy seats in this waiting room!

I went to a break out group at a conference once about transitions. I came away with so many good truths from that meeting. The speaker said that many times in life during periods of transition, it's the intangible things we grieve the most. The intangibles are often symbolized by tangibles. For example you may miss a tangible thing like your house, but the intangible thing is a feeling of home and belonging. I had a moment that took me by surprise recently. I was prepping my emergency kit bag for work (gum, mints, deodorant, lint roller, etc.) when I went to what used to be my "always ready to go travel kit." For a while I travelled pretty regularly so instead of having to repack some of the same things every time, I just kept travel size deodorant, soap, toothpaste, etc. handy. While I was moving my deodorant from my travel kit to my work kit; I had a little moment. I realized how long it had been since I'd travelled anywhere. I realized the seasons really have changed in my life. It wasn't a sobbing hysterical moment, but just a brief awareness of life moving on.

I've also been spending some time reflecting over the past decade of my life (wow, that made me sound old, I mean oldER). It's been so encouraging to see how God has directed my steps and led me. Yes I've made mistakes but the overwhelming theme of God's faithfulness has been so rich. Elisabeth Elliot had a journal that she called "an omer of manna;" referencing the passage in Exodus where God instructed the Israelites to basically take a jar of the fluffy white stuff that had appeared on the ground for 40 years as their provision, and to keep this jar as a sign to show their children and grandchildren how God provided for them in the desert. I am no Elisabeth Elliot, but I sure have enjoyed reflecting on my "omer of manna" and how God has walked with me through desert times, doubting times, and abundant times. He really is good and faithful. I'm glad I have "memorial stones/omers of manna" to remind me of His character, especially as seasons change in my life.

The Lie

I like to call Satan a sneaky little bastard, because that is what he is. Lately he's been trying to decieve me with a lie straight from the Garden of Eden. You know the one that God is not good and is holding out on you. The sad thing is that he doesn't really need to change his tactics, because they worked on Eve, and sometimes I trip up and believe the same thing too.

Here's how he works it on me. I absolutely LOVE lots of things about my life right now. I am finally in a career field that I can see myself settling into for the long haul. It challenges me to no end, and I've lost more sleep than in my college days, but this gives me life.

But this wasn't the way I expected my life to play out.

I figured like most other girls, I'd get a ring by spring my senior year in college. I remember the birthday I sat in my car journaling on the college campus realizing, that ain't gonna happen. I will celebrate a significant birthday this year, and last time I checked I'm still single. I never planned on marriage and kids being later in life, but that's probably the way things will go down.

This year I think I've had to replace every major thing I own. My car, my cell phone, my computer, and my camera all bit the dust. Most people experience this type of thing right out of college. They get into the real world and have to upgrade. Well, I went from college to living overseas so I feel like I'm a bit delayed in all of this. So here I am living with the fam, often times living off of the fam, wondering how I got into this place. The lie is if I hadn't gone overseas I'd have had mad money saved up, and be standing on my own two feet financially.

The thing is, they are all lies. GOD IS GOOD. He is not holding out on me. My life has unfolded the way it has because it is all a part of God's divine plan. The enemy's goal is to get me doubt God and stop trusting Him. I intend to stop looking at that shiny fruit and resisting the temptation to take a bite!

R-I-S-K

Wow, I thought moving across the world was the biggest risk of my life but now that I am back home and pursuing a new career path I find that the risks just get bigger! I am out on a limb over an ocean (and I can't swim) desperately believing that I am following God's path for my life. As the stakes grow I'm forced to constantly up the ante. IT. IS. SCARY!!! Back in the day my biggest adventures were taking a different way home at night or ordering something different off the menu (heck eating out period was an adventure!) Yeeeeaaaah, things have changed a bit since then!


In the midst of all the change and risk I am so very grateful that I get to live a dream. I can choose to give in to fear and anxiety and keep myself up at night worrying if I am making the biggest mistake(s) of my life. Or I can be excited about new opportunities, and the hand of God leading and guiding me through it all.

I'll go with believing in God.

Final Answer :)

What What?

A year? What? I've been back in the States for a year now? Craziness!!!

Today

I want to remember today.

I want to remember the feeling of starting a photography business with a Rebel and a laptop.

I want to remember what it's like to drive a car with the paint peeling off.

I want to remember what it's like to live at home with the parents.

I want to remember these humble beginnings.

Fleeting

Have you ever had those moments that just slap you in the face with how short life is? Seems like I've been getting slapped around quite a bit lately with those moments. I'll see a young girl, and while I have no idea who she is, the self-conscious way she holds her head, the wide eyed innocence in her eyes, and her long limbs not yet coordinated will have me blinking to remind myself that I'm not looking in a mirror. Seriously, when did that tall awkward 12 year old turn into a grown woman? I really still feel like I'm still 16 sometimes, yet I know I'm not...when did that happen? Oh dear, that sounded like something my parents would say.....


Other things take me by surprise too. An announcement for a conference or concert that I would have jumped at in the past, but now I barely give it a passing glance. The time for those things is over, and I never even realized it was passing. We pay so much attention to "firsts" in life, but the "lasts" ghost by and aren't even recognized as lasts until way too long.


In some relationships I've been honored to be able to celebrate the beginning, the ordinary in between, and the close. But I find that's not the norm. More often than not, a random occurrence will yank me back to the last time I went Christmas shopping with her, talked in giddy tones with him, or stayed up all night with them. I'm not sad or bitter or even melancholy. Maybe I'm just getting sentimental in my ripe old age :) Or maybe I am realizing once again that life is but a vapor.


I find myself wanting to suck the marrow out of the simple things in life. I don't have to live out a big crazy adventure anymore. I just want to take in the joy of my Dad's laugh, enjoy the easy camraderie of being with my siblings, and eat seconds of food that ONLY my Mom can cook so well.


The Devil tries to tempt me with fear that something bad is about to happen, so I better enjoy today; but I know that truly whether tomorrow holds tragedy or ecstasy, I want to rejoice in the gift of today.


A truth that has really changed my life is that with every transition in life there is something to grieve and something to celebrate. I'm glad to be experiencing a season of life right now where the changes are minimal. But I know everything can change in the blink of an eye. Even in the good changes, there can be sadness over what once was, but is no more. I don't want to regret not simply being with the ones I love, enjoying good health and fresh air, or the luxury of quiet and stillness to enjoy my own thoughts. Perhaps if I'm grateful for all of it, then I will be celebrating the firsts and the lasts.

The Last Page

I'm a "read the last page of the book first" kind of a girl.

Well, actually a "read the last sentence of the last page first" kind of a girl.

And I never read epilogues-that's totally against the rules.

And yes, there are rules to this in case you didn't know.

The point is I like to know the ending. I want to know if the guy and the girl will get together, or is that heifer of a so called best friend going to steal him away. Will the mystery be solved? Do the good guys win? I can't possibly read a book with all these questions rolling around in my head. I need at the very least a clue to know that things are going to end well.

And if things are NOT going to end well, then I definitely need to know before I put myself through the torture of reading the whole book anticipating the wrong outcome. I can't get my hopes up only to be bitterly dashed on the last page. Knowing a tiny bit of the ending, not the whole story mind you-things have to be kept interesting, but knowing just enough about the ending, helps my heartbeat stay regular as I read the whole book.

Well, try as I might I can't fast forward through time to read the "last page" of 2010. I have no idea if this girl will get that guy, or if people I care about will die. I can't see what mind boggling dreams of mine just might come true and what tragic curve balls will punch me in the gut. The little kid part of me is excited and hopeful because I know there are some amazingly good things in store. However the mature voice in my head that comes out on rare occasions is reminding me that death comes early to some; friendships blow up in your face, or worse yet whimper to a sad sorry ending; and dreams and hopes get put away in dusty boxes as responsibilities fog the glasses of the starry eyed dreamer.

Such is life.

In the midst of these musings I've received some comfort from an old leather bound journal, that held much of my memories from just a year ago. As I glanced in the rear view mirror of my life it was so sweet to be reminded of what life was really like.

I was lonely. A lot.

I had some crazy fun adventures.

And I was lonely. A lot.

I spent some time with friends both new and old.

And I spent a lot of time alone (noticing a theme here?).

But through it all God was my constant companion. As I glanced through the Rolodex of names that appeared frequently in my journal (shout out to my friends and family who loved me through Skype!), I realized that in all of those people and in the quiet times God was who was there. He alone walked with me as I learned to embrace the loneliness of that season. And it was really His voice I heard through the friends and family I talked to back in the States. I really grew to know Him as my friend. My very best friend. How sweet to be able to look back and see His voice, His hands, His whisper, His presence in my every situation. It's the sweetness that is only appreciated after the bitter.

So as I begin 2010, part of me really wants to read the last page of the year. Both anxiety and excitement try taking turns occupying my mind as I debate what new experiences I'll have lived through this time next year. But REALLY through it all I am at peace because I know that my Best Friend will be with me.

Newbie

For the first time in a VERY long time, I'm finding myself in a completely new circle of people. As in I have never seen or heard or facebooked with or read the blog of or met the daughter/friend/sister of or known in any other regard anyone else in this group. I am engaging in the delicate dance of building relationships with people I literally know nothing about.

It's strange, very strange.

While discussing various issues I find myself wanting to raise the much more relevant question who are you? I only have exterior clues to help answer my question. But a person is much more than his or her outward appearance. So I find myself listening intently to body language, intonation and most importantly to things that are not said. I feel like it's a puzzle, trying to piece together who these people are. A month from now will we be best friends laughing at my oh so crazy first impressions? Or years from now will we pass each other in the grocery store and do the whole "I know that face from somewhere" thing. Who knows.

As I wonder who these people REALLY are, I have the opportunity to ask the same questions of myself. Who am I? Who am I choosing to be with them? Yes, yes, we should all be authentic and genuine, but let's be honest everyone does not need to know the entire truth of who we all are on the first date! So as I'm gauging the responses of others, I'm watching my own as well. Sometimes I'd love to just be my unfiltered self without thinking so much about how much of all of me I want to show. Then again filtering isn't always a bad thing :)

I have the opportunity to get to know lots of new people all the time, but rarely so many new folks all at once. It's good to be reminded of what it's like to be the newbie. And it's good to get the opportunity to have to listen so hard to who people are.

I have.....nothing???

So this starting from scratch business is taking a little bit longer than I thought. I'll go through a patch where I feel normal then something little will trigger an "I have nothing moment." Yes I am quite ashamed to say those words have crossed my mind and lips. I got really convicted the last time I wanted to vent. I felt God say, Really? Nothing? No home, no house, no car, no friends, no family, no love, no peace of mind, no good health, no joy, no open doors. Yep that's a whole lot of nothing right there! Yes, there are areas where I feel that I am JUST now getting back to the same footing I was on two and a half years ago. And yes I feel alarmed at realizing little things like wow, the weather is changing, I have one pair of pants. That might be a problem :) But truly, rebuilding a life takes time. I am constantly reminding myself that life is lived in years. While much of my initial re-entry shock is over, it will probably still take years for me to really find my footing/groove/rhythm again. Just like it took a year and a half before I found a niche overseas, it may take the same time or longer here. I hate feeling so melodramatic about this whole transition thing. I feel like I should be "over all that" now. It's been 6 months already. I just need to pick myself up, brush the dust off and get on with it. Ha, if only it worked that way right? I distinctly remember a counselor I saw in May telling me to be patient and wait for things to happen. I smiled at her thinking she was SO clueless. I had just bared my soul to her, I'd spent a week with people who understood my shoes, I would be good to go in a few days; a week tops. Ha. Ha Ha. Yeeeeaaaaaah right.

I have a "grateful wall" I keep in my room. A place where I jot down things I'm thankful for, when I feel an abundance of gratitude. Perhaps the real trick though is to write down what I'm grateful for in the "I have nothing moments." It's easy to do anything when you feel like it; but far more stretching to do something even when the feelings are not there.

The Quest for a Giant Juicy Peach

Since first beginning my travels overseas 5 years ago, this has been my first summer back in America. I've enjoyed much about it (can we say AMEN to air conditioning everywhere). However one thing I've longed for and missed are the fresh fruits and vegetables. Especially the fruit.

Overseas I would anticipate the first sighting of summer fruit. Watermelons, peaches, cherries, strawberries, apricots, and more. I loved waiting through the initial batches that would appear on market stands. Oh it was tempting to give in and buy the first decent batch of strawberries I saw, but I knew that if I waited, sweeter rewards would be found and they would be well worth the lower price. Then there would be the sampling of different vendors to see who had the best fruit.

Victory was sweet when I would make the delightful discovery of THE best peach of the season. After one taste my taste buds would burst with flavor, my teeth would sink into the perfect texture, and I couldn't stop (nor would I want to) the juice as it would run down my cheeks.

This year I made the mistake of anticipating summer with the same fervor.

I stalked weekly ads to see who had fruit on sale, looking for THAT taste.

No luck.

Then I thought that maybe the fruit was not on sale. So I gulped, dug deep and even purchased items not on sale.

Still no luck.

Then I stepped it up and moved from the discount grocery stores to the fancy schmancy ones, even tried the organic stuff. I found some slightly better fruit, even scored a home run with the watermelons, but still no peach that made the mark. I even had a friend willingly share with me her stash of prime peaches from a state well known for their crop. It was definitely better than what I'd had, but the taste I was missing eluded me.

I finally realized that I wasn't wanting just the taste of a wonderful peach, but I was really wanting to once again taste a memory. The memory of exploring the outdoor markets. The memory of gazing out my window at the sea and mountains. The memory of my overseas home. But I had to realize just like when I returned "home" to America and found that the place in my memory no longer existed, so I have to see that my overseas "home" no longer exists. Oh yes the apartment is still there and I can bet the outdoor market is too, but the space in time I occupied is no longer there. New tenants have likely taken residence. Names and faces in the neighborhood have changed.

So I find myself once again straddling between two worlds. I can't go back to what was, and I'm still struggling to fully live in what is. I've had some recent hope lately about a career and calling, but things never happen as quickly as I'd like them to. So I'm waiting and hoping and anticipating what is to come, while still just trying to live one day at a time. It's not easy, but I know that I'm not walking this road alone.

I can't continue to search for the perfect peach. It doesn't exist, not here anyway. That place in time is long gone. But you know, I had a peach this morning that wasn't too bad. I bet if I cut it up with the right ingredients it would make a delightful peach crisp. I might even have a glass of lemonade to go with it!

A Time for Everything

Soooo, this blog's been a little quiet of late, because some rather deep thoughts have been percolating. I got the opportunity to go to a re-entry conference this past week, and *sigh* I finally feel okay again. Funny enough, that feeling comes at realizing that things will never be the same again. But knowing that and being okay with that are two VERY different things. There are a thousand things I'd love to elaborate on, but I think the moment that struck me the most was when we got to watch the end of Return of the King (the 3rd in the Lord of the Rings trilogy). Now the first time I watched it, I was just sooooo ready for the movie to finally end. This time however, I couldn't stop the stream of tears as I deeply felt the paradox of "coming home" that Frodo and his companions experienced. (Trust me, the irony of crying because I was empathizing with a hobbit did not escape me).

To refresh your memory, Frodo and his companions arrive back in the shire (visions and dreams of which had sustained them during their journey), and it's home, but yet it's not the same. The 4 companions sit down at the pub where they started their journey. The scene around them is very much the same, but they are completely different. They can't enjoy the revelry as before, far too much has changed in them. They are experiencing the paradox of being back home, but no longer fitting in. Sam eventually marries the girl he left behind and has some kids. However for Frodo the shire will never be home again. He alludes to wounds he received along the journey, and painfully bids his companions good-bye and continues on down a different path. He instructs Sam to finish the book, and sails off. Finally at the end of the movie (quite some time from when he first arrived) Sam says that he is home.

I don't know how many Kleenexes I went through, but I tell you, it was no small amount. All the while I'm watching the ending, I'm remembering the first movie in the trilogy where the fellowship of the ring is formed. I'm thinking of all the things Frodo and Sam went through together. I'm reliving the moments that strengthened and tested their friendship, and I'm realizing that now it's all over with. Oh, I'm sure Sam and Frodo will keep in touch, but this quest that became both of their lives for a season was over. They didn't have demons to defeat and mountains to climb together anymore. Their paths would never intertwine in quite the same way again. So there's the loss of a deep friendship; or perhaps I should say a change in their friendship as well as the loss of this epic dream. It's beautiful really that they got to celebrate the ending in such a positive way. Many times in life the dreams we fight for, live for and even die for don't end on such a high note. But even still, there's this realization that it's over. It's time for a new journey, and a new adventure, one that will take them on different roads.

I don't know if like Frodo, I'll get to sail off to new adventures, or if like Sam my new journey will be in my own backyard with marriage and kids on the horizon, but I do know that I've finally realized that a season of my life is over. Really OVER.

I loved and hated living overseas. But in the best and worst of times, I still clung to that identity of the 20 something single living big adventures abroad. I've loved and gained, and loved and lost. I've got friendships that have gone to new depths, and friendships I've grieved the loss of. I am forever changed my things I saw God do, and the things I didn't see Him do. On the outside I look pretty much the same, but I've got some scars and wounds; some are still a little raw and need to heal, but others have given me wisdom and maturity that I greatly needed.

Grief is a funny thing. I thought I'd cried all the tears I had to cry before I returned to the States, then last week showed me that there were many more tears to fall. As my counselor said, it's not about getting the crying all over with, it's about integrating what I've gained and lost into my life now. All that I've experienced has now become a part of my story.

So goodbye to those incredible two years of living out adventures I never dreamed of. Good-bye to those hopes and dreams that I never saw come to pass. Good-bye to the doors and opportunities that were once in a lifetime events. I think I'm ready to open my hands to what the next chapter of life holds. I'll keep a couple tissues handy for the moments that catch me off guard, but I'll also start trying on some dancing shoes.

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven....
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance

Do-over

Rarely in life do we get the opportunity for a completely new start, yet I find myself with just that. As I am adjusting to life back in the States, I see the life I used to live, and sometimes it shocks me. How could I have lived like that? I am so very thankful that I get the chance to really sit and examine my life and how I choose to live it. Theoretically, this should be a process we all do, however I find that we become so caught up in the daily grind that it's hard to step back and ask if how we do things even makes sense. So as I go about my daily business, I try not to simply put on the same comfortable pair of shoes, but I do a bit of introspection. Why did I do things this way? Was that working for me? How have I changed? How am I the same? What changes are good and what changes need to go? How can I take what I learned overseas and integrate it into my life here? It can be a bit stressful at times to have all these thoughts running through my head. At the end of the day however, I'm glad for the opportunity to start over. Daunting though it may be, it's a priceless opportunity, and one I want to fully take advantage of!

Belonging

Sooo, re-entry is a doozy. So far it hasn’t been as worse as original culture shock, but it’s not a bed of roses either! Yesterday I was able to pinpoint one of the reasons I have been so sad when going to places that are so welcoming towards me (i.e. my home fellowship).

I don’t yet feel like I belong.

People are greeting each other, singing songs familiar to them, and I feel like I’m on the fringes. I don’t belong to the church, and even deeper I don’t belong to the people. Yes we’re all the body of Christ, but it’s hard to not see or get a hug from the little rugrats you baby-sit, or have “your spot” for lunch afterwards, or even be able to lose yourself in worship as opposed to constantly being on guard, wondering what comes next. It’s strange how little and how much changes while you’re gone for two years. Even stranger is the way your mind plays tricks on you. I’m sure that most of the things that seem like such shocking changes to me at my home fellowship are things that have been there all along, I’m just looking at everything with new lenses now. It’s somewhat of a lonely place; looking like I belong, but not yet feeling like I do.

I’ve been slightly obsessed with appearances since I returned. I’m sure some of it is legitimate, in that my shopping needs have been repressed and restricted to occasional spurts, but I think more of it stems from my desire to belong. Maybe if I look the part, I’ll feel the part. Maybe if I dress and talk like everyone around me, this place will start to feel like home. The truth is, that like anything else, re-entry is a process. I can’t make anywhere feel like home. Even at my house, I can unpack and put photos on the wall, but I have to recognize, that it’ll take a while before I stop asking questions like Where do I find the chopping boards? What day does the trash come? Or the one I have to resist asking the most why do you do _____? That just don’t make no sense!

Through it all, God is my rock. He’s showing me that humility is key. I didn’t leave, and go through “spiritual boot camp” so I could come back and teach everybody else. Leaving was humbling, and coming back is humbling too. These are life long lessons I’m enrolled in. I get the lovely opportunity to grow in compassion to all those who leave their homes for an extended period of time, then come back to a familiar strangeness.

Re-entry

I have been back now for a little over a week. All the events that have happened since I first boarded the plane could each be a seperate blog in and of itself, but I decided to play catch up by creating one blog with the whole enchillada!

This time two weeks ago I was sobbing my eyes out as I said good-bye to people who'd become my family. Then on Friday the 13th VERY early, I said one final good-bye and began the LONG bumpy journey back to the States. After a series of delays and missed flights, I finally ended up in DC w/my sis and got to enjoy sights of the capitol as I began recovering from jet lag.

I also enjoyed my first taste of sweet potatoes in 2 years....yum!!

We stayed at an incredible Bed and Breakfast that I would highly recommend to anyone visiting the DC area http://www.suite34.us.com/bnb.html.

A few days later I was back in the metroplex enjoying a warm welcome from my family and a few close girl friends.

Many thanks to my fabulous hair stylist Mrs. G who had my locks looking dark and lovely, all without charging me a dime!!!

Before

During

After!

Now I have to brag on my family for a little bit here :)

My sister has been soooo great at helping me readjust to American culture. Bless her for being calm in the face of my frequent outbursts and consistently asking "what was culture shock for you today." It's also nice having a workout buddy who is always ehm "highly encouraging" me to workout when I'd rather not :)

I went shopping with my brother, and it was INCREDIBLE. Can I just say that my brother has impeccable taste in fashion, and an uncanny sense of what will look good on someone. He was patient (I tried on over 20 pairs of jeans alone!), conscious of my budget, brutally honest, and well, every girl should be so lucky as to have a brother like mine!

I think the thing I've enjoyed the most has been LAUGHING constantly with my family. I'd forgotten how much fun we can have together.

I've definintely had moments of culture shock.......

-why is that guy coming on to me? Oh wait, he's just making eye contact-it's called good customer service :)

-people are wearing sweats and workout clothes in public and they're not working out!

-everyone drives so well-behaved here; they all stay in their own lanes!

-what's up with so much ice in drinks

-i miss the sea and mountains, everything here is rather flat

-yummy cheap fruits and veggies where are you???

-sometimes I open my mouth to speak and English doesn't come out....lol

......but overall, I'd say I'm doing alright. I can honestly say that I miss my home on the far side of the sea, but it's also good to be back in the Lone Star State!

And so it begins

Today I was riding the bus reading a book about a teacher’s experiences overseas. At one point that wasn’t really nostalgic I felt my throat clam up and I started blinking fast to keep the tears at bay…… Yes, friends it is that time again.

I’ve been so at peace with where I’m at and what God is doing in my heart. Yet I’ve also known that it’s time to start saying good-bye. I’m so looking forward to so many things back in America (can we say clothes that fit, and getting my hair DONE!!!), but I’m going to miss life here like nothing else! Snaps I can’t even type a sentence without taking a break to grab a Kleenex.

So yeeeeaaaah, I’m a bit sad, and the tears have started to fall. I know they’ll continue to fall for quite some time. I’m one of those emotional ones who just kind of lets it all hang out when I cry. No polite sniffling behind Kleenexes for me! So, bring on the Kleenex, and I’ll let the tears fall. I’m happy that there are people I love enough to cry over when I leave them. I’ve been really lucky and blessed to have led the life I’ve lived for the past few years. It’s been a crazy journey I never thought I’d be on, yet here I am, cruising down the highway at incredible speed realizing that all the memories and moments from the past two years are quickly fading in my rearview mirror as my exit rapidly approaches. For a while I fought the inevitable. I didn’t want to leave, felt rejection and wondered what I’d done wrong. I know now I’m where I’m supposed to be, and I’m excited about the next stage, but I’m also sad for what I’ll be leaving behind.

Bittersweet, life is so very bittersweet.

I know that God is good, and He’s in control and it will all be okay, but it doesn’t make the grieving process any shorter. So I’ll throw my arms wide open and embrace it! Here’s to letting the tears fall, unashamedly!

Top 10

I started a list of the top ten reasons I'm looking forward to 2009, then I realized, that most of them were reasons why I was looking forward to being back in America. Either way, here's my top ten for 2009 in no particular order.

1. Seeing my family and friends again.

2. Worshipping corporately with like-minded believers.

3. Shopping...sigh....(Hobby Lobby, Ross, Old Navy, Walmart, Target, Nordstrom's Rack, Mardel, Barnes and Nobles, Big Lots, Costco; need I say more?).

4. Going to Restaurants I love, and discovering new ones (Tex-Mex food, Mexican food, and Asian food, not to mention home food).

5. Driving. Driving. Driving. The independence that comes with driving.

6. Discovering a new career....whatever it will be.

7. Continuing to live a healthy lifestyle.

8. Thanksgiving with my family.

9. More traveling adventures.

10. Living confidently, loving lavishly, and knowing Jesus more!

Junk in the Trunk

True confession: I am a pack rat.

Shirt doesn't fit? Could be a cute gift for someone.

Tissue paper from a gift? Might recycle that.

Memento from a fun day? Might scrapbook that.

Cute gift idea? I should try that.

Fun decor article in a magazine? I might do that.

Scraps of paper? I could use those.

The problem is that with all of these shoulda, coulda, woulda's I'm amassing more stuff that I simply don't need. Moving overseas, gave me the perfect opportunity to clean house and get a fresh start. However, I just brought all of my junk with me.

Soon, I'll be moving back home and God once again is giving me the great opportunity to get rid of the junk in my trunk. I figured when I "randomly" listened to 3 podcasts in one day about ridding yourself of worldly possessions, that He just might be speaking to me. Then there was the stark reality of paying thousands of dollars to move the same stuff I came with back across the ocean. So as my roommate brilliantly outlined for me, why pay money to move your old stuff back overseas, when you can get rid of your stuff here and use the money you'd pay on shipping to pay for brand new stuff.

Hmmm, she's got a point there.

So, I'm slowly and painfully reminding myself with each book, shirt, and trinket that goes in the garbage or in the sell/giveaway pile, that God is freeing me to open my hand. As I loosen my grip, I grow in freedom and it gets easier to let things go. I'm also freeing myself to receive more of what God has for me. It's not just cleaning house for the sake of cleaning house. It's getting rid of what I don't need, to make room for the good God has for me!