The Cloud

I have been really treasuring my private study in the Old Testament. One of the most recent passages that really jumped out to me was in Numbers chapter 9:15-23. Basically the Israelites had to look every single morning to see whether the cloud was above the tabernacle. If the cloud stayed put; they stayed put. If the cloud was on the move, then they were supposed to move. But they didn't know what the cloud would look like from day to day. "Whether the cloud stayed over the tabernacle for two days, or a month or a year, the Israelites would remain in camp and not set out; but when it lifted, they would set out."

I was struck with how my life should mirror this. Every morning I need to check in with the Lord to see where He is and what He's doing. If He wants me to move, then I move. If He wants me to stay put; then I'm not going anywhere. It doesn't matter what He's been doing for the last week, month, day, or year. Every day is a fresh opportunity to seek Him first. And it's not optional.

I know it's a simple truth, but it really hit home with me again. If I don't make it a priority to spend daily time seeking God, it's not going to happen.

I gotta confess, I also chuckled a bit wondering how many kids tried to stay up to see if the cloud would move or not for the next day.

Seriously though, can you imagine for 40 years living like that? The first thing you do in the morning is check and see where the cloud is so you know what your day is going to look like. Whether your entire family and possessions are about to hike for a while, or if you'll stay put for a bit. Kind of mind blowing.

Book Quote

I really enjoyed the following quotes from Genoa Bay by Bette Nordberg.

"Something--was it fear, or grief, or some other, unknown force?--kept me circling, indecisive, uncertain. While I circled, unwilling to let go of my past, I forfeited my present. I knew in that instant. It was time to make a decision. He had prepared me for this moment, for this question, for this decision. . . . And though most people would see the whole progression as nothing more than coincidence mixed with my own vivid imagination, I knew then exactly what God wanted me to do.

Jump!"

"I've discovered, in the course of my life, that these moments, these surprising moments of pain, usually hide some deeper secret, some meaningful moment of self-recognition. On my own, I rarely distinguish truth from the discomfort. But when I invite God into the mess, I sometimes find the answer."

The In Between

I was watching a show yesterday where a baseball player's wife was interviewed. She was talking about her husband's journey from the minor leagues to the major leagues. He was playing in the minors and a major league team was interested in him. He gave it his all, knew he did the best he could, and in the end the team decided not to pick him. He was devastated and thought his career might be over. But then, 5 days later he got a call from another major league team wanting to recruit him.

I couldn't get past the phrase 5 days. Watching her tell the story in retrospect, it seemed like it was no big deal at all. But I know those 5 days of waiting were torture. However most of our lives are lived in that in between phase.

I find myself revisiting the waiting room more often than I would like. I know that a year from now, even a few months from now this in between time will seem so minor. But right now, waiting for that one phone call, email, or ____ event to take place feels like FOREVER.

, I guess the Lord is growing my patience and long suffering; you know the fruit of the spirit you always pray to have more of. As my sister reminded me, He disciplines those He loves. Right now I'm feeling stupendous amounts of God's love :)

My New Favorite Workout Jam

I got a kick out of wondering what I must look like when working out and listening to this song. I feel like I look militant and I KNOW people around me probably think I am borderline crazy, but this song is so good to motivate me! You should at least listen to the first few seconds.....good stuff!

Revolutionary Woman

Revolutionary Dreams

Nikki Giovanni

I used to dream militant dreams
of taking over america to show
these white folks
how it should be done

I used to dream radical dreams
of blowing everyone away
with my perceptive powers
of correct analysis

I even used to think I'd be the one
to stop the riot and
negotiate the peace

then I awoke and dug
that if I dreamed natural
dreams of being a natural
woman doing what a woman
does when she's natural
I would have a revolution.

I have loved this poem since I first discovered it in middle school. Clearly the poem has some radical elements in it, and I'm not trying to make a statement about race. What I love about the poem is the idea, that sometimes we have these dreams of doing crazy outlandish things to accomplish "our vision." And then at some point we realize that it's not about seeking out the unconventional for the sake of making a statement, but that if we live our lives as ordinary people, THAT is the revolution.

For moms and dads who are raising Jesus loving kids in today's society-that's revolutionary.

For singles not shacking up and committing to purity-that's revolutionary.

For those who go to work everyday and are hard workers-that's revolutionary.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I believe and what I say my life is about versus what my life actually looks like. It's easy for me to get off track and think I need to do something crazy, and offbeat to show that yes, I do really believe in X because I did Y. Then I remembered this poem and was reminded that sometimes the revolution happens in the everydayness of life. By being faithful to pray and simply take the next step of what God has planned for you, that's revolutionary.

That Smell

If you've been around me in the last week and a half (okay, maybe the last month really) you might have noticed an unattractive scent. Don't fear, the blog isn't going there. I'm talking about the smell of burning flesh.

God has been gracious enough to peel back the veil I keep over the undesirable parts of my life and reveal to me how ugly I can be. I am having to die to myself in LARGE doses. I know it's good; but it. is. painful.

I am constantly being reminded that the world does not revolve around me. There are some things that have to get done no matter how tired, cranky, overwhelmed, sleep deprived, or frustrated I am. I still have to serve others with a smile. I still need to place the needs of others before my own. Selflessness and humility need to trump pride over and over again.

I've found myself asking how Jesus could have served so wholly while He was on this earth. He was deserving of the highest honor, yet He took the lowest position in the room. At one moment I found myself complaining to God that I felt like a slave. He replied that I'm not a slave but I need to be a servant. I find myself guilty of using the phrase servant heart carelessly, without feeling the weight of it.

I am grateful for some great examples around me that show what it means to selflessly, continuously serve others. I pray that like them I would continue to die to myself daily. So if you come close to me and something smells a little off....it's a good thing.....just my flesh dying.

I went to a break out group at a conference once about transitions. I came away with so many good truths from that meeting. The speaker said that many times in life during periods of transition, it's the intangible things we grieve the most. The intangibles are often symbolized by tangibles. For example you may miss a tangible thing like your house, but the intangible thing is a feeling of home and belonging. I had a moment that took me by surprise recently. I was prepping my emergency kit bag for work (gum, mints, deodorant, lint roller, etc.) when I went to what used to be my "always ready to go travel kit." For a while I travelled pretty regularly so instead of having to repack some of the same things every time, I just kept travel size deodorant, soap, toothpaste, etc. handy. While I was moving my deodorant from my travel kit to my work kit; I had a little moment. I realized how long it had been since I'd travelled anywhere. I realized the seasons really have changed in my life. It wasn't a sobbing hysterical moment, but just a brief awareness of life moving on.

I've also been spending some time reflecting over the past decade of my life (wow, that made me sound old, I mean oldER). It's been so encouraging to see how God has directed my steps and led me. Yes I've made mistakes but the overwhelming theme of God's faithfulness has been so rich. Elisabeth Elliot had a journal that she called "an omer of manna;" referencing the passage in Exodus where God instructed the Israelites to basically take a jar of the fluffy white stuff that had appeared on the ground for 40 years as their provision, and to keep this jar as a sign to show their children and grandchildren how God provided for them in the desert. I am no Elisabeth Elliot, but I sure have enjoyed reflecting on my "omer of manna" and how God has walked with me through desert times, doubting times, and abundant times. He really is good and faithful. I'm glad I have "memorial stones/omers of manna" to remind me of His character, especially as seasons change in my life.

The Lie

I like to call Satan a sneaky little bastard, because that is what he is. Lately he's been trying to decieve me with a lie straight from the Garden of Eden. You know the one that God is not good and is holding out on you. The sad thing is that he doesn't really need to change his tactics, because they worked on Eve, and sometimes I trip up and believe the same thing too.

Here's how he works it on me. I absolutely LOVE lots of things about my life right now. I am finally in a career field that I can see myself settling into for the long haul. It challenges me to no end, and I've lost more sleep than in my college days, but this gives me life.

But this wasn't the way I expected my life to play out.

I figured like most other girls, I'd get a ring by spring my senior year in college. I remember the birthday I sat in my car journaling on the college campus realizing, that ain't gonna happen. I will celebrate a significant birthday this year, and last time I checked I'm still single. I never planned on marriage and kids being later in life, but that's probably the way things will go down.

This year I think I've had to replace every major thing I own. My car, my cell phone, my computer, and my camera all bit the dust. Most people experience this type of thing right out of college. They get into the real world and have to upgrade. Well, I went from college to living overseas so I feel like I'm a bit delayed in all of this. So here I am living with the fam, often times living off of the fam, wondering how I got into this place. The lie is if I hadn't gone overseas I'd have had mad money saved up, and be standing on my own two feet financially.

The thing is, they are all lies. GOD IS GOOD. He is not holding out on me. My life has unfolded the way it has because it is all a part of God's divine plan. The enemy's goal is to get me doubt God and stop trusting Him. I intend to stop looking at that shiny fruit and resisting the temptation to take a bite!

Listen, Book Review

I'm known as being a real bookworm (yes I am proud of my nerdy status!) and from time to time peeps often ask me if I've read any good books lately. Soooo I thought I'd start posting them on the bloggy blog. Here's another good read I recently discovered!

Author Rene Gutteridge has written another intriguing suspenseful novel: Listen. Her fiction is captivating and this read kept me turning the pages. In short, a small town that seems perfect all starts to change when people's private conversations are posted on an anonymous website. Suddenly friends and neighbors turn against each other as words said in private are made very public.

I love how her fiction has me reflecting on the power of the tongue, social media, and the impact of the spoken word. If you're looking for a good read, pick this one up. I found this one at my favorite place-my local public library! Hurray for free :)

Other books by Rene I've enjoyed are Ghostwriter, The Splitting Storm, and Never the Bride.

The Cross

Last year I started a new Bible study that has been challenging and growing me in many ways, but most specifically I've gotten to dig deep into my Bible. We've been studying the book of John and it has been so awesome to learn more about Jesus. A few weeks ago we studied and read about His time on the cross. As one who's grown up in the church I am guilty of the sin of letting the Word become routine to me. Yes, yes, I know Jesus died on the cross for my sins.

BUT as I reread the Gospels, the pain and suffering that Jesus endured became R-E-A-L to me.

He was shamed.

Humiliated.

Disgraced.

Beaten to a bloody pulp.

He was deserted by everyone.

He carried the heavy unbearable weight of sin, all sin.

He had the chance to ease His suffering and He refused even the slightest bit of comfort.

He chose to look out for the interest of others at the darkest time in His life.

He was faithful to His life mission until the very end.

He remained noble and dignified in the midst of the most degrading behavior.

This is Jesus, my Jesus.

During the study, the leader encouraged us to not just see a cross as furniture, or art, but to SEE the cross. My eyes have been reopened to the terrible gruesome redeeming reality of the cross of Jesus Christ. I am so grateful.

R-I-S-K

Wow, I thought moving across the world was the biggest risk of my life but now that I am back home and pursuing a new career path I find that the risks just get bigger! I am out on a limb over an ocean (and I can't swim) desperately believing that I am following God's path for my life. As the stakes grow I'm forced to constantly up the ante. IT. IS. SCARY!!! Back in the day my biggest adventures were taking a different way home at night or ordering something different off the menu (heck eating out period was an adventure!) Yeeeeaaaah, things have changed a bit since then!


In the midst of all the change and risk I am so very grateful that I get to live a dream. I can choose to give in to fear and anxiety and keep myself up at night worrying if I am making the biggest mistake(s) of my life. Or I can be excited about new opportunities, and the hand of God leading and guiding me through it all.

I'll go with believing in God.

Final Answer :)

GOOD Read

I'm a chick lit reader at heart, but I always enjoy a good mystery/psychological thriller. However finding one that keeps me on the edge of my seat, but not too bloody/gory/scary is a challenge. Well friends, I just read a GREAT book that kept me intrigued til the end. I loved that it was similar to The Unit, a TV show that no longer airs, but one I loved ALMOST as much as Alias; and you know that's saying a lot :)

If you get a chance check out Certain Jeopardy by Captain Jeff Struecker with Alton Gansky. It's about a team of 6 men on a special operation that goes from normal to high risk in the blink of an eye. The book follows their mission and the lives of those they leave back home.

Guilt and Grace

I messed up. I mean I messed up BIG time. I didn't mean to do it. In fact I tried really hard not to, yet I landed face down in a big way. For a while I hoped it wouldn't matter, but eventually I realized that I had to own up to my actions and apologize.

It. was. brutal.

The severity of my wrong stared me straight in the face, and I was crushed. There was no way to fix the matter, in fact reminders of my mess-up were constantly around me. The person who I'd wronged let me know that I was wrong. They weren't harsh, but they didn't cushion the blow either. I was grateful to ask for and receive forgiveness, but that didn't change the past. I still had to and have to today deal with the consequences of my actions. I know there are those who don't know my heart and will only know me by this one action and it makes me sad and ashamed. I grieve for a potential friendship that was halted before it had an opportunity to bloom. And so many times I wish I could rewind the hands of time and remake those decisions over again, but I can't.

Fortunately those same hands of time have lessened the weight of the blow, but not fully removed it. I am continually humbled by the forgiveness I received for the wrong that I did. In all of this, I am so reminded of Jesus and His grace. Yes I feel the weight of this particular wrong, but I am guilty of so much more. Jesus chose to sacrifice His life and take my guilt and my shame. He offered me grace and mercy when I fully deserved the severity of the Father's wrath and justice. I am so thankful for Jesus.

Bullet Point Blog

* You know you can make your own homemade popcorn in the microwave???? My popcorn addiction just went to a whole 'nother level :)

*A new blog template, should I or should I not? While tempting, it's nice to not start that whole changing cycle..... (I'm not hating on those who do, just processing my thoughts on the matter :)

*Yeeeaaah, so about that half marathon; injury and illness have not been on my side :( might have to postpone that 'til later this year

*I keep thinking it's 2009. Anyone else with me? Perhaps it's my subconcious attempt to delay the big birthday this year.

* Speaking of the above, what is the big deal about 30? Why not all the attention to 20 or 40?

*Crazy to think that in a month I'll have been back a year.

*So starting a business is more than I ever imagined it would be. How do people balance work and regular life when you never clock out or in?

*Regular "heart sharing" fellowship is a good thing.

*Waiting on God is hard, but suffering the consequences of not waiting on God is even harder.

*Jesus and Judas Iscariot...after reading the passage in John 13 where Jesus washes the disciples feet, I realized that Jesus washed Judas' feet right before Judas betrayed Him. How was that for both of them; Jesus loving the one who would betray Him. Judas allowing Jesus to do it with pride and arrogance in his eyes. Have I like Jesus washed the feet of those who'd betray me? Or am I more like Judas deserving the worst, but acting as if I deserved the King to serve me.

*It has been SUCH a joy to see prayers looooooooong prayed be answered with such irrefutable proof. Just stinking awesome. Like God's saying "here's chocolate cake zee, with icing, and salted mixed nuts, and I'll through in a bit of peanut butter morsels just for the heck of it." Yeah, that kind of goodness. And with thoughts like these, I really should revisit that whole half-marathon idea!

No really, I'm content

In honor of Valentine's Day :)

The Last Page

I'm a "read the last page of the book first" kind of a girl.

Well, actually a "read the last sentence of the last page first" kind of a girl.

And I never read epilogues-that's totally against the rules.

And yes, there are rules to this in case you didn't know.

The point is I like to know the ending. I want to know if the guy and the girl will get together, or is that heifer of a so called best friend going to steal him away. Will the mystery be solved? Do the good guys win? I can't possibly read a book with all these questions rolling around in my head. I need at the very least a clue to know that things are going to end well.

And if things are NOT going to end well, then I definitely need to know before I put myself through the torture of reading the whole book anticipating the wrong outcome. I can't get my hopes up only to be bitterly dashed on the last page. Knowing a tiny bit of the ending, not the whole story mind you-things have to be kept interesting, but knowing just enough about the ending, helps my heartbeat stay regular as I read the whole book.

Well, try as I might I can't fast forward through time to read the "last page" of 2010. I have no idea if this girl will get that guy, or if people I care about will die. I can't see what mind boggling dreams of mine just might come true and what tragic curve balls will punch me in the gut. The little kid part of me is excited and hopeful because I know there are some amazingly good things in store. However the mature voice in my head that comes out on rare occasions is reminding me that death comes early to some; friendships blow up in your face, or worse yet whimper to a sad sorry ending; and dreams and hopes get put away in dusty boxes as responsibilities fog the glasses of the starry eyed dreamer.

Such is life.

In the midst of these musings I've received some comfort from an old leather bound journal, that held much of my memories from just a year ago. As I glanced in the rear view mirror of my life it was so sweet to be reminded of what life was really like.

I was lonely. A lot.

I had some crazy fun adventures.

And I was lonely. A lot.

I spent some time with friends both new and old.

And I spent a lot of time alone (noticing a theme here?).

But through it all God was my constant companion. As I glanced through the Rolodex of names that appeared frequently in my journal (shout out to my friends and family who loved me through Skype!), I realized that in all of those people and in the quiet times God was who was there. He alone walked with me as I learned to embrace the loneliness of that season. And it was really His voice I heard through the friends and family I talked to back in the States. I really grew to know Him as my friend. My very best friend. How sweet to be able to look back and see His voice, His hands, His whisper, His presence in my every situation. It's the sweetness that is only appreciated after the bitter.

So as I begin 2010, part of me really wants to read the last page of the year. Both anxiety and excitement try taking turns occupying my mind as I debate what new experiences I'll have lived through this time next year. But REALLY through it all I am at peace because I know that my Best Friend will be with me.

Sobering thoughts

I remember the first time I realized that a boy really was stronger than I was. I know it sounds so silly, but I was always taller and stronger and bigger than any of the guys I knew. And I never encountered a situation that proved otherwise. Until one day I was at work and had happened to enter the elevator the same time as a guy who I worked with. He was goofing around and when I tried to leave the elevator he grabbed my wrist. I immediately pulled at my hand to get it free and was shocked by the realization that I couldn't get free. It wasn't a threatening situation at all, but I remember being so stunned to be face to face with my own weakness. The guy and I were about the same size so I assumed that if push came to shove I could take him. Again, it was all lighthearted horsing around but I clearly remember the shiver of fear that sliced through me at the thought that had this been another situation or another guy with darker intents, my own efforts would not be able to save me. He was much stronger than I was, and my efforts were like a gnat's mere annoyances. Amidst the playing around, I was sobered.

This past month has felt like that moment years ago. Life is full of much fun and playing around, but there's a thin stream just under the surface of incidents cropping up here and there that remind me of my own frailty. Two friends receiving bad reports from the doctor, another friend hospitalized, a relative in peril, the sincere year plus long efforts at job hunting that have turned up nothing for qualified friends who really need employment, the death of a friend's relative, and yet another friend with a parent given mere months to live.

I often say that I want God to be glorified in my life. But often what I really mean is that I want God to be glorified in my successful life. What if He wants to take glory from how I would respond in any of the above given situations. Will I still sing as loud if I suffer physically, in relationships, or my finances? Will I be like my heroes Shadrach, Meschach and Abednego and say that I know that my God has the power to deliver me, but even if He does not (that phrase ALWAYS gives me goosebumps) I'm still going to worship only Him?

Yes I've faced challenges in my life, and sickness and death have touched me very close to home, but I've not faced any of the situations my friends and acquaintances are experiencing. I'm not asking for one by any means, and I don't think that's the only way I can honor God. However it does make me reevaluate how I am responding to the minor trials I am facing right now. Am I hoping to get through this time to the next mountain top, or am I concentrating on how I can glorify God now, in whatever situation I am in? When faced with the awareness of my own frailty do I still struggle and beat the air, or do I bow my knee and worship the God who is truly worthy of my allegiance. NOT because it's my duty to worship despite the x, y, and z I have to suffer through. But because He is a good God who has richly blessed my life with innumerable blessings and is worthy of my praise in the midst of abundance and "hardships" that in the face of eternity are so very insignificant. Perhaps I should rejoice in trials, allowing my sufferings to sober me and bring light to the frailty and brevity of my life; while magnifying the greatness of my eternal, all powerful, omniscient God.

Poor no more

Let now the poor

Stand and confess

That my portion is Him

And I'm more than blessed

Desperation vs. Complacency

While talking with some friends who have also lived overseas and have helped me walk through this first hurdle in transitioning I realized something:

I feel good.

I mean REALLY good.

I don't have weekly breakdowns.

I haven't shut down and emotionally retreated.

I'm not painfully lonely.

I can't remember the last time I broke down and cried (at least a weekly occurrence overseas).

I feel safe, secure, and loved.

I am happy and I have peace......ALL the time.

It is weird to feel so good for so long.

I'm not complaining AT ALL, just saying that I'm not used to this.

But it feels very good.

At the same time I was realizing how great I felt, I noticed that it had been a while since I'd had some quality time with God. I was shocked at the dichotomy. I still felt great inside, I was experiencing joy and peace, yet I wasn't replenishing my roots. Overseas, had I dared attempt the same thing I would've been a basket case in no time flat. Therein lies the danger. Because I don't "feel" the same desperation, it's easy to go longer without good connection with the Father. Complacency can creep in so quickly without anything on the outside looking different at all.

Scary.

I can't say that I miss the feeling of constant brokenness and desperation, but I most certainly miss most of the results of what it did in my life (I say most, because not everything was pretty :D).

This past week was a wake up call for me. I am so thankful for the ease of life I am currently experiencing. However, I don't ever want to take the bait of letting my circumstances define my intimacy with the Father. He is worthy of so much more from me; in the good times just as much (if not more so) as the desperate days.

Amazed by Him!

Can I say that one of the things I love about being back is that I get to experience all of the everydayness of life. I don't get the highlights reel version of things oh, he got a new car, or she got a new job, but I get to walk through the decision making process with friends and family together. The good, bad, and ugly details, I'm there to experience it all, and I love it!

Well this morning I was enjoying some ordinary everydayness with my sister. We had just come from running errands and as we are pulling up onto our street, we see the mail man. Slightly embarrassed, I shared my foolish fantasy with her of hoping for God to send me a random check in the mail. She encouraged me that stuff like that still happens, and I laughed it off. Yes friends, this is going where you think it is. As we unloaded the car she went to the mail box and said that I had most of the mail today. I was expecting baby shower invites, wedding shower invites, or those lovely offers of 0% interest on balance transfers until 2010. Wouldn't you know that I received not one but TWO handwritten notes from friends. And yes, one of them had a check in it.

Tears sprung to my eyes at God's faithfulness and goodness.

God has done an AMAZING job of providing for me during this period of transition. I am SO grateful for the paying gigs He has brought my way. But as I start another month of no steady employment despite my earnest searching, I confess some doubt and worry.............okay, okay, and anxiety attacks that lead to late night chocolate ice cream too. Sooo you can imagine how VERY thankful I am to God's generosity to encourage me on this day especially RIGHT after I had just laughed off my silly dreams. And I had my sister there to witness the moment!

It is true friends, God is good. He does not disappoint.

Thank you God for knowing me and providing for me.

Thank you to my incredible friends who blessed me so generously today. You know who you are!

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
Psalm 42:5