ZUMBA!

So, this blog has been neglected a bit lately. Life has been doing that crazy busy thing again. So busy that it's easy to neglect not only my blog but working out too. Fortunately for me, I've discovered Zumba classes at the gym, and my workouts have received a boost of fun, energy and creativity. I love dancing and grooving around getting to feel like a kid, but it's cool. Actually it's better than cool; it's a workout. Win, win! Now if only Zumba could also help me resist my newest food discovery: peanut butter fudge!

Book Quote

I really enjoyed the following quotes from Genoa Bay by Bette Nordberg.

"Something--was it fear, or grief, or some other, unknown force?--kept me circling, indecisive, uncertain. While I circled, unwilling to let go of my past, I forfeited my present. I knew in that instant. It was time to make a decision. He had prepared me for this moment, for this question, for this decision. . . . And though most people would see the whole progression as nothing more than coincidence mixed with my own vivid imagination, I knew then exactly what God wanted me to do.

Jump!"

"I've discovered, in the course of my life, that these moments, these surprising moments of pain, usually hide some deeper secret, some meaningful moment of self-recognition. On my own, I rarely distinguish truth from the discomfort. But when I invite God into the mess, I sometimes find the answer."

The In Between

I was watching a show yesterday where a baseball player's wife was interviewed. She was talking about her husband's journey from the minor leagues to the major leagues. He was playing in the minors and a major league team was interested in him. He gave it his all, knew he did the best he could, and in the end the team decided not to pick him. He was devastated and thought his career might be over. But then, 5 days later he got a call from another major league team wanting to recruit him.

I couldn't get past the phrase 5 days. Watching her tell the story in retrospect, it seemed like it was no big deal at all. But I know those 5 days of waiting were torture. However most of our lives are lived in that in between phase.

I find myself revisiting the waiting room more often than I would like. I know that a year from now, even a few months from now this in between time will seem so minor. But right now, waiting for that one phone call, email, or ____ event to take place feels like FOREVER.

, I guess the Lord is growing my patience and long suffering; you know the fruit of the spirit you always pray to have more of. As my sister reminded me, He disciplines those He loves. Right now I'm feeling stupendous amounts of God's love :)

Cheese, Chocolate, and Friends

No doubt about it, I've experienced some discouraging times of late. I confess, I do run to Jesus, but I also have been running to some comfort foods. I find myself indulging in either cheese or chocolate, sometimes even in the same meal!

Saturday night, I was feeling particularly low and my only desire was to devour some sort of chocolate brownie ice cream creation. I was even dreaming of how I might accomplish this when I got off of work....at 12 midnight. Trust me, it was one of those days. Fortunately God led a friend to invite me out for a post-work dinner that included cheese :) Bless God for places that stay open until the wee hours of the morning! It was sweet to chat over chips, queso, and spicy salsa.

Sunday, I was still determined to find that chocolate creation, and was pleased as punch that my brother decided to join me. Friends don't let friends eat chocolate alone....especially if one is fully capable of inhaling the entire dish! As I sat there devouring the chocolate creation, I was encouraged by God's love for me. It would have been very easy for me to retreat into myself and have some food therapy. Instead God gave me a weekend filled with challenges, but also reminded me that He's placed people in my life to walk with me through those challenges. That my friends, is better than cheese and chocolate combined!

A New Season

So the twenties have come and gone, and a new season of life has begun. I am excited to see all that God has in store for me in the next season. Thanks to all my friends who called, emailed, texted, or facebooked me birthday wishes. It's nice to be remembered :)

I did not make my weight loss goal of being my ideal weight by 30. It's a little disappointing, but 60 lbs is nothing to sneeze at either. Besides, 30 isn't the end, it's just another beginning! So here's to another year of life. It's a gift that I'm grateful to have!

She's done it again!

I love Francine Rivers, and her latest book Her Mother's Hope did not disappoint. I loved, loved, loved her perspective on relationships; mother daughter relationships in particular. It made me think of how we are so affected by our life experiences and how we project those experiences on to others, knowingly and unknowingly. I also was reminded afresh of how deep a mother's love can go. No matter how it manifests, most moms really do love their children and really are doing the very best they can.

If you are looking for a good read that will make you ponder a bit, I highly recommend checking this out. And the best part is the book is one of two. Her Daughter's Dream the sequel just came out on Tuesday!

Happy reading!

My New Favorite Workout Jam

I got a kick out of wondering what I must look like when working out and listening to this song. I feel like I look militant and I KNOW people around me probably think I am borderline crazy, but this song is so good to motivate me! You should at least listen to the first few seconds.....good stuff!

Revolutionary Woman

Revolutionary Dreams

Nikki Giovanni

I used to dream militant dreams
of taking over america to show
these white folks
how it should be done

I used to dream radical dreams
of blowing everyone away
with my perceptive powers
of correct analysis

I even used to think I'd be the one
to stop the riot and
negotiate the peace

then I awoke and dug
that if I dreamed natural
dreams of being a natural
woman doing what a woman
does when she's natural
I would have a revolution.

I have loved this poem since I first discovered it in middle school. Clearly the poem has some radical elements in it, and I'm not trying to make a statement about race. What I love about the poem is the idea, that sometimes we have these dreams of doing crazy outlandish things to accomplish "our vision." And then at some point we realize that it's not about seeking out the unconventional for the sake of making a statement, but that if we live our lives as ordinary people, THAT is the revolution.

For moms and dads who are raising Jesus loving kids in today's society-that's revolutionary.

For singles not shacking up and committing to purity-that's revolutionary.

For those who go to work everyday and are hard workers-that's revolutionary.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I believe and what I say my life is about versus what my life actually looks like. It's easy for me to get off track and think I need to do something crazy, and offbeat to show that yes, I do really believe in X because I did Y. Then I remembered this poem and was reminded that sometimes the revolution happens in the everydayness of life. By being faithful to pray and simply take the next step of what God has planned for you, that's revolutionary.

Remembering the How

I had to laugh to myself as I explained to some new friends how I started my current line of work. As I told the story it seemed like everything just fell into place. One day I came back from living overseas, the next day I reconnected with a friend, then the next day she asked me to help her on a gig, and the day after that I knew it was a perfect fit, and I sailed happily away into career bliss.

Riiiiight.

It's so easy to look back in hindsight and forget the months of questioning, weeks of uncertainty and all that blasted waiting. But it truly is encouraging when I remember how things really went down. So much of life is spent in the waiting room. Often it's not til time and distance have carried me far away that I can look back and see all that God was doing during that time period.

As I find myself in another waiting room, fighting anxiety, fear, and hope, it's good to remember God's goodness and sovereignty.

My present view is not all there is.

My name will be called up soon enough.

I will have the answers I seek.

The waiting will end.

And I'll be able to see more clearly all that God was doing in me during this season. Til then, my only request is that they get some more comfy seats in this waiting room!

That Smell

If you've been around me in the last week and a half (okay, maybe the last month really) you might have noticed an unattractive scent. Don't fear, the blog isn't going there. I'm talking about the smell of burning flesh.

God has been gracious enough to peel back the veil I keep over the undesirable parts of my life and reveal to me how ugly I can be. I am having to die to myself in LARGE doses. I know it's good; but it. is. painful.

I am constantly being reminded that the world does not revolve around me. There are some things that have to get done no matter how tired, cranky, overwhelmed, sleep deprived, or frustrated I am. I still have to serve others with a smile. I still need to place the needs of others before my own. Selflessness and humility need to trump pride over and over again.

I've found myself asking how Jesus could have served so wholly while He was on this earth. He was deserving of the highest honor, yet He took the lowest position in the room. At one moment I found myself complaining to God that I felt like a slave. He replied that I'm not a slave but I need to be a servant. I find myself guilty of using the phrase servant heart carelessly, without feeling the weight of it.

I am grateful for some great examples around me that show what it means to selflessly, continuously serve others. I pray that like them I would continue to die to myself daily. So if you come close to me and something smells a little off....it's a good thing.....just my flesh dying.

I went to a break out group at a conference once about transitions. I came away with so many good truths from that meeting. The speaker said that many times in life during periods of transition, it's the intangible things we grieve the most. The intangibles are often symbolized by tangibles. For example you may miss a tangible thing like your house, but the intangible thing is a feeling of home and belonging. I had a moment that took me by surprise recently. I was prepping my emergency kit bag for work (gum, mints, deodorant, lint roller, etc.) when I went to what used to be my "always ready to go travel kit." For a while I travelled pretty regularly so instead of having to repack some of the same things every time, I just kept travel size deodorant, soap, toothpaste, etc. handy. While I was moving my deodorant from my travel kit to my work kit; I had a little moment. I realized how long it had been since I'd travelled anywhere. I realized the seasons really have changed in my life. It wasn't a sobbing hysterical moment, but just a brief awareness of life moving on.

I've also been spending some time reflecting over the past decade of my life (wow, that made me sound old, I mean oldER). It's been so encouraging to see how God has directed my steps and led me. Yes I've made mistakes but the overwhelming theme of God's faithfulness has been so rich. Elisabeth Elliot had a journal that she called "an omer of manna;" referencing the passage in Exodus where God instructed the Israelites to basically take a jar of the fluffy white stuff that had appeared on the ground for 40 years as their provision, and to keep this jar as a sign to show their children and grandchildren how God provided for them in the desert. I am no Elisabeth Elliot, but I sure have enjoyed reflecting on my "omer of manna" and how God has walked with me through desert times, doubting times, and abundant times. He really is good and faithful. I'm glad I have "memorial stones/omers of manna" to remind me of His character, especially as seasons change in my life.

The Lie

I like to call Satan a sneaky little bastard, because that is what he is. Lately he's been trying to decieve me with a lie straight from the Garden of Eden. You know the one that God is not good and is holding out on you. The sad thing is that he doesn't really need to change his tactics, because they worked on Eve, and sometimes I trip up and believe the same thing too.

Here's how he works it on me. I absolutely LOVE lots of things about my life right now. I am finally in a career field that I can see myself settling into for the long haul. It challenges me to no end, and I've lost more sleep than in my college days, but this gives me life.

But this wasn't the way I expected my life to play out.

I figured like most other girls, I'd get a ring by spring my senior year in college. I remember the birthday I sat in my car journaling on the college campus realizing, that ain't gonna happen. I will celebrate a significant birthday this year, and last time I checked I'm still single. I never planned on marriage and kids being later in life, but that's probably the way things will go down.

This year I think I've had to replace every major thing I own. My car, my cell phone, my computer, and my camera all bit the dust. Most people experience this type of thing right out of college. They get into the real world and have to upgrade. Well, I went from college to living overseas so I feel like I'm a bit delayed in all of this. So here I am living with the fam, often times living off of the fam, wondering how I got into this place. The lie is if I hadn't gone overseas I'd have had mad money saved up, and be standing on my own two feet financially.

The thing is, they are all lies. GOD IS GOOD. He is not holding out on me. My life has unfolded the way it has because it is all a part of God's divine plan. The enemy's goal is to get me doubt God and stop trusting Him. I intend to stop looking at that shiny fruit and resisting the temptation to take a bite!

Listen, Book Review

I'm known as being a real bookworm (yes I am proud of my nerdy status!) and from time to time peeps often ask me if I've read any good books lately. Soooo I thought I'd start posting them on the bloggy blog. Here's another good read I recently discovered!

Author Rene Gutteridge has written another intriguing suspenseful novel: Listen. Her fiction is captivating and this read kept me turning the pages. In short, a small town that seems perfect all starts to change when people's private conversations are posted on an anonymous website. Suddenly friends and neighbors turn against each other as words said in private are made very public.

I love how her fiction has me reflecting on the power of the tongue, social media, and the impact of the spoken word. If you're looking for a good read, pick this one up. I found this one at my favorite place-my local public library! Hurray for free :)

Other books by Rene I've enjoyed are Ghostwriter, The Splitting Storm, and Never the Bride.

The Cross

Last year I started a new Bible study that has been challenging and growing me in many ways, but most specifically I've gotten to dig deep into my Bible. We've been studying the book of John and it has been so awesome to learn more about Jesus. A few weeks ago we studied and read about His time on the cross. As one who's grown up in the church I am guilty of the sin of letting the Word become routine to me. Yes, yes, I know Jesus died on the cross for my sins.

BUT as I reread the Gospels, the pain and suffering that Jesus endured became R-E-A-L to me.

He was shamed.

Humiliated.

Disgraced.

Beaten to a bloody pulp.

He was deserted by everyone.

He carried the heavy unbearable weight of sin, all sin.

He had the chance to ease His suffering and He refused even the slightest bit of comfort.

He chose to look out for the interest of others at the darkest time in His life.

He was faithful to His life mission until the very end.

He remained noble and dignified in the midst of the most degrading behavior.

This is Jesus, my Jesus.

During the study, the leader encouraged us to not just see a cross as furniture, or art, but to SEE the cross. My eyes have been reopened to the terrible gruesome redeeming reality of the cross of Jesus Christ. I am so grateful.

Let's Talk About Stress Ba-by....

Any former Bill Nye fans out there sing along to the remake of pop songs into science related songs? Or perhaps the title went way over everyone's head and I've just revealed what a great big nerd I am :)

Anywho, I've been muy stressed out lately. I tried to keep it under control and focus on positive thoughts, but I've just been lying to myself. I realized I needed to take a step back when I left some food on the stove yesterday and zoomed right out of the house without remembering it until I came back to the house an hour and a half later. I fully expected fire trucks, police cars, and smoke to be pouring from my home. All I can say is THANK YOU JESUS that there was none of the above. Oh how He loves me. So, that's my sign to slow down. Yes I've felt the pressure of some upcoming deadlines lately. And yes I can get focused one thing and absentminded to everything else. But the stress of having burned down my own house would be pretty major compared to any stress I think I'm feeling now!

R-I-S-K

Wow, I thought moving across the world was the biggest risk of my life but now that I am back home and pursuing a new career path I find that the risks just get bigger! I am out on a limb over an ocean (and I can't swim) desperately believing that I am following God's path for my life. As the stakes grow I'm forced to constantly up the ante. IT. IS. SCARY!!! Back in the day my biggest adventures were taking a different way home at night or ordering something different off the menu (heck eating out period was an adventure!) Yeeeeaaaah, things have changed a bit since then!


In the midst of all the change and risk I am so very grateful that I get to live a dream. I can choose to give in to fear and anxiety and keep myself up at night worrying if I am making the biggest mistake(s) of my life. Or I can be excited about new opportunities, and the hand of God leading and guiding me through it all.

I'll go with believing in God.

Final Answer :)

GOOD Read

I'm a chick lit reader at heart, but I always enjoy a good mystery/psychological thriller. However finding one that keeps me on the edge of my seat, but not too bloody/gory/scary is a challenge. Well friends, I just read a GREAT book that kept me intrigued til the end. I loved that it was similar to The Unit, a TV show that no longer airs, but one I loved ALMOST as much as Alias; and you know that's saying a lot :)

If you get a chance check out Certain Jeopardy by Captain Jeff Struecker with Alton Gansky. It's about a team of 6 men on a special operation that goes from normal to high risk in the blink of an eye. The book follows their mission and the lives of those they leave back home.

Happ Birthday to my Sister!!!

Lots of people have a really great best friend.

Lots of people have a really great sister.

I am lucky that for me this person is one and the same!

I love my sister and am so very blessed to have her. I wish I could tell you all that she has done to enrich and bless my life, but she would be horribly embarrassed and is one of those who truly does not let the left hand know what the right is doing as she gives to others. She is a Godly woman. She is a gifted prayer warrior and intercessor. She is a treasure, and I'm glad to celebrate her life today!!!

What What?

A year? What? I've been back in the States for a year now? Craziness!!!

Guilt and Grace

I messed up. I mean I messed up BIG time. I didn't mean to do it. In fact I tried really hard not to, yet I landed face down in a big way. For a while I hoped it wouldn't matter, but eventually I realized that I had to own up to my actions and apologize.

It. was. brutal.

The severity of my wrong stared me straight in the face, and I was crushed. There was no way to fix the matter, in fact reminders of my mess-up were constantly around me. The person who I'd wronged let me know that I was wrong. They weren't harsh, but they didn't cushion the blow either. I was grateful to ask for and receive forgiveness, but that didn't change the past. I still had to and have to today deal with the consequences of my actions. I know there are those who don't know my heart and will only know me by this one action and it makes me sad and ashamed. I grieve for a potential friendship that was halted before it had an opportunity to bloom. And so many times I wish I could rewind the hands of time and remake those decisions over again, but I can't.

Fortunately those same hands of time have lessened the weight of the blow, but not fully removed it. I am continually humbled by the forgiveness I received for the wrong that I did. In all of this, I am so reminded of Jesus and His grace. Yes I feel the weight of this particular wrong, but I am guilty of so much more. Jesus chose to sacrifice His life and take my guilt and my shame. He offered me grace and mercy when I fully deserved the severity of the Father's wrath and justice. I am so thankful for Jesus.

Shoes

I've got this pair of black boots that I totally love. They have an awesome heel on them that helps me to achieve 6ft easily. When I walk in them, I feel like I can conquer the world.....for about an hour. Yep, these heels give me a back ache like you wouldn't believe. And while they look great on the outside, well, the inside is showing the wear from all the lovin I've given them. There's no way for you to know any of this of course, unless you put on my boots, and wore them around for a bit. I may look cute in them, and appear confident, but you have no way of knowing how they actually feel on my feet unless you put them on.

I was reminded once again about not making assumptions about people until you know the shoes they walk in. I've slowly begun to get to know some brand spankin new people. The time recently came in the relationship for a few walls to come down, and for hearts to be revealed a little bit more. I was astounded by knowledge that I never would've guessed by looking on from the outside. I was encouraged, challenged, humbled, and motivated to continue in friendship with them. Most of all I chastised myself to remember that everybody has a story. People aren't born the way they act at 20, 30, 40, and beyond. Things have happened to shape them into who they are today. If I take the time to wait to get to know the person behind the mask, I'll usually be rewarded with an authentic relationship. It takes a bit of time, but it is worth it.

Bullet Point Blog

* You know you can make your own homemade popcorn in the microwave???? My popcorn addiction just went to a whole 'nother level :)

*A new blog template, should I or should I not? While tempting, it's nice to not start that whole changing cycle..... (I'm not hating on those who do, just processing my thoughts on the matter :)

*Yeeeaaah, so about that half marathon; injury and illness have not been on my side :( might have to postpone that 'til later this year

*I keep thinking it's 2009. Anyone else with me? Perhaps it's my subconcious attempt to delay the big birthday this year.

* Speaking of the above, what is the big deal about 30? Why not all the attention to 20 or 40?

*Crazy to think that in a month I'll have been back a year.

*So starting a business is more than I ever imagined it would be. How do people balance work and regular life when you never clock out or in?

*Regular "heart sharing" fellowship is a good thing.

*Waiting on God is hard, but suffering the consequences of not waiting on God is even harder.

*Jesus and Judas Iscariot...after reading the passage in John 13 where Jesus washes the disciples feet, I realized that Jesus washed Judas' feet right before Judas betrayed Him. How was that for both of them; Jesus loving the one who would betray Him. Judas allowing Jesus to do it with pride and arrogance in his eyes. Have I like Jesus washed the feet of those who'd betray me? Or am I more like Judas deserving the worst, but acting as if I deserved the King to serve me.

*It has been SUCH a joy to see prayers looooooooong prayed be answered with such irrefutable proof. Just stinking awesome. Like God's saying "here's chocolate cake zee, with icing, and salted mixed nuts, and I'll through in a bit of peanut butter morsels just for the heck of it." Yeah, that kind of goodness. And with thoughts like these, I really should revisit that whole half-marathon idea!

No really, I'm content

In honor of Valentine's Day :)

Today

I want to remember today.

I want to remember the feeling of starting a photography business with a Rebel and a laptop.

I want to remember what it's like to drive a car with the paint peeling off.

I want to remember what it's like to live at home with the parents.

I want to remember these humble beginnings.

Simple Moments

There are moments like this that are so normal. I'm on my computer. I hear one sibling on the phone, another puttering around in their room. My Dad's voice rises and falls as he converses with passion and conviction, and my mom's laugh is filtering up the stairs in random spurts. This is my normal and I love it. It is a simple beautiful moment, and I soak in the joy of it.

Certifiable

I come from a family of extreme health nuts. I tried to deny it for a while, but I am coming to accept the truth that I am one of them :) Recently my brother decided to give up corn syrup. The idea of ingesting sugared corn water in everything he ate was too much for him. I had NO intentions of giving it up, I may have some healthy tendencies, but I like my sweets. Well, wouldn't you know that his eating habits have had some ripple effects. There's no point for me to get something for the house that I know he won't eat. And do you know how many things have corn syrup in them? Reading those food labels can be an eye opening experience friends. So here I am taking another step down the road to becoming a certifiable health nut. Watch out, soon I might be grinding my own wheat to make bread from scratch! Actually, that doesn't sound half bad.....

African Queen

Today is my mom's birthday. She is a queen in so many ways, a true African Queen. I love her laugh, her smile, and the small gap in her teeth that I inherited. She is faithful to pray, I mean PRAY! I've learned to give lavishly and generously from her, and I'm still learning to cook like her. NOBODY can make rice and stew feel like a gourmet meal :) Her integrity is unswerving and her tenacity relentless. Not only is she my mother, but I've learned to share her over the years with others who need mothering. I'm glad that as I've grown older and matured that I can understand her better and our relationship is blooming into a friendship.

Happy Birthday Mom!!

Fleeting

Have you ever had those moments that just slap you in the face with how short life is? Seems like I've been getting slapped around quite a bit lately with those moments. I'll see a young girl, and while I have no idea who she is, the self-conscious way she holds her head, the wide eyed innocence in her eyes, and her long limbs not yet coordinated will have me blinking to remind myself that I'm not looking in a mirror. Seriously, when did that tall awkward 12 year old turn into a grown woman? I really still feel like I'm still 16 sometimes, yet I know I'm not...when did that happen? Oh dear, that sounded like something my parents would say.....


Other things take me by surprise too. An announcement for a conference or concert that I would have jumped at in the past, but now I barely give it a passing glance. The time for those things is over, and I never even realized it was passing. We pay so much attention to "firsts" in life, but the "lasts" ghost by and aren't even recognized as lasts until way too long.


In some relationships I've been honored to be able to celebrate the beginning, the ordinary in between, and the close. But I find that's not the norm. More often than not, a random occurrence will yank me back to the last time I went Christmas shopping with her, talked in giddy tones with him, or stayed up all night with them. I'm not sad or bitter or even melancholy. Maybe I'm just getting sentimental in my ripe old age :) Or maybe I am realizing once again that life is but a vapor.


I find myself wanting to suck the marrow out of the simple things in life. I don't have to live out a big crazy adventure anymore. I just want to take in the joy of my Dad's laugh, enjoy the easy camraderie of being with my siblings, and eat seconds of food that ONLY my Mom can cook so well.


The Devil tries to tempt me with fear that something bad is about to happen, so I better enjoy today; but I know that truly whether tomorrow holds tragedy or ecstasy, I want to rejoice in the gift of today.


A truth that has really changed my life is that with every transition in life there is something to grieve and something to celebrate. I'm glad to be experiencing a season of life right now where the changes are minimal. But I know everything can change in the blink of an eye. Even in the good changes, there can be sadness over what once was, but is no more. I don't want to regret not simply being with the ones I love, enjoying good health and fresh air, or the luxury of quiet and stillness to enjoy my own thoughts. Perhaps if I'm grateful for all of it, then I will be celebrating the firsts and the lasts.

The Last Page

I'm a "read the last page of the book first" kind of a girl.

Well, actually a "read the last sentence of the last page first" kind of a girl.

And I never read epilogues-that's totally against the rules.

And yes, there are rules to this in case you didn't know.

The point is I like to know the ending. I want to know if the guy and the girl will get together, or is that heifer of a so called best friend going to steal him away. Will the mystery be solved? Do the good guys win? I can't possibly read a book with all these questions rolling around in my head. I need at the very least a clue to know that things are going to end well.

And if things are NOT going to end well, then I definitely need to know before I put myself through the torture of reading the whole book anticipating the wrong outcome. I can't get my hopes up only to be bitterly dashed on the last page. Knowing a tiny bit of the ending, not the whole story mind you-things have to be kept interesting, but knowing just enough about the ending, helps my heartbeat stay regular as I read the whole book.

Well, try as I might I can't fast forward through time to read the "last page" of 2010. I have no idea if this girl will get that guy, or if people I care about will die. I can't see what mind boggling dreams of mine just might come true and what tragic curve balls will punch me in the gut. The little kid part of me is excited and hopeful because I know there are some amazingly good things in store. However the mature voice in my head that comes out on rare occasions is reminding me that death comes early to some; friendships blow up in your face, or worse yet whimper to a sad sorry ending; and dreams and hopes get put away in dusty boxes as responsibilities fog the glasses of the starry eyed dreamer.

Such is life.

In the midst of these musings I've received some comfort from an old leather bound journal, that held much of my memories from just a year ago. As I glanced in the rear view mirror of my life it was so sweet to be reminded of what life was really like.

I was lonely. A lot.

I had some crazy fun adventures.

And I was lonely. A lot.

I spent some time with friends both new and old.

And I spent a lot of time alone (noticing a theme here?).

But through it all God was my constant companion. As I glanced through the Rolodex of names that appeared frequently in my journal (shout out to my friends and family who loved me through Skype!), I realized that in all of those people and in the quiet times God was who was there. He alone walked with me as I learned to embrace the loneliness of that season. And it was really His voice I heard through the friends and family I talked to back in the States. I really grew to know Him as my friend. My very best friend. How sweet to be able to look back and see His voice, His hands, His whisper, His presence in my every situation. It's the sweetness that is only appreciated after the bitter.

So as I begin 2010, part of me really wants to read the last page of the year. Both anxiety and excitement try taking turns occupying my mind as I debate what new experiences I'll have lived through this time next year. But REALLY through it all I am at peace because I know that my Best Friend will be with me.