Belonging

Sooo, re-entry is a doozy. So far it hasn’t been as worse as original culture shock, but it’s not a bed of roses either! Yesterday I was able to pinpoint one of the reasons I have been so sad when going to places that are so welcoming towards me (i.e. my home fellowship).

I don’t yet feel like I belong.

People are greeting each other, singing songs familiar to them, and I feel like I’m on the fringes. I don’t belong to the church, and even deeper I don’t belong to the people. Yes we’re all the body of Christ, but it’s hard to not see or get a hug from the little rugrats you baby-sit, or have “your spot” for lunch afterwards, or even be able to lose yourself in worship as opposed to constantly being on guard, wondering what comes next. It’s strange how little and how much changes while you’re gone for two years. Even stranger is the way your mind plays tricks on you. I’m sure that most of the things that seem like such shocking changes to me at my home fellowship are things that have been there all along, I’m just looking at everything with new lenses now. It’s somewhat of a lonely place; looking like I belong, but not yet feeling like I do.

I’ve been slightly obsessed with appearances since I returned. I’m sure some of it is legitimate, in that my shopping needs have been repressed and restricted to occasional spurts, but I think more of it stems from my desire to belong. Maybe if I look the part, I’ll feel the part. Maybe if I dress and talk like everyone around me, this place will start to feel like home. The truth is, that like anything else, re-entry is a process. I can’t make anywhere feel like home. Even at my house, I can unpack and put photos on the wall, but I have to recognize, that it’ll take a while before I stop asking questions like Where do I find the chopping boards? What day does the trash come? Or the one I have to resist asking the most why do you do _____? That just don’t make no sense!

Through it all, God is my rock. He’s showing me that humility is key. I didn’t leave, and go through “spiritual boot camp” so I could come back and teach everybody else. Leaving was humbling, and coming back is humbling too. These are life long lessons I’m enrolled in. I get the lovely opportunity to grow in compassion to all those who leave their homes for an extended period of time, then come back to a familiar strangeness.