Belonging

Sooo, re-entry is a doozy. So far it hasn’t been as worse as original culture shock, but it’s not a bed of roses either! Yesterday I was able to pinpoint one of the reasons I have been so sad when going to places that are so welcoming towards me (i.e. my home fellowship).

I don’t yet feel like I belong.

People are greeting each other, singing songs familiar to them, and I feel like I’m on the fringes. I don’t belong to the church, and even deeper I don’t belong to the people. Yes we’re all the body of Christ, but it’s hard to not see or get a hug from the little rugrats you baby-sit, or have “your spot” for lunch afterwards, or even be able to lose yourself in worship as opposed to constantly being on guard, wondering what comes next. It’s strange how little and how much changes while you’re gone for two years. Even stranger is the way your mind plays tricks on you. I’m sure that most of the things that seem like such shocking changes to me at my home fellowship are things that have been there all along, I’m just looking at everything with new lenses now. It’s somewhat of a lonely place; looking like I belong, but not yet feeling like I do.

I’ve been slightly obsessed with appearances since I returned. I’m sure some of it is legitimate, in that my shopping needs have been repressed and restricted to occasional spurts, but I think more of it stems from my desire to belong. Maybe if I look the part, I’ll feel the part. Maybe if I dress and talk like everyone around me, this place will start to feel like home. The truth is, that like anything else, re-entry is a process. I can’t make anywhere feel like home. Even at my house, I can unpack and put photos on the wall, but I have to recognize, that it’ll take a while before I stop asking questions like Where do I find the chopping boards? What day does the trash come? Or the one I have to resist asking the most why do you do _____? That just don’t make no sense!

Through it all, God is my rock. He’s showing me that humility is key. I didn’t leave, and go through “spiritual boot camp” so I could come back and teach everybody else. Leaving was humbling, and coming back is humbling too. These are life long lessons I’m enrolled in. I get the lovely opportunity to grow in compassion to all those who leave their homes for an extended period of time, then come back to a familiar strangeness.

Beach Body Here I Come!

Since November of 2008 I made the choice to start changing my lifestyle in hopes of losing weight for good. It’s been a LONG journey of 3 steps forward and 4 steps back since my teen years, but it has been so sweet to taste success!!! I’ve lost 30.28 pounds total (the most weight I’ve ever lost at one time), but that is only one benefit. I feel better about myself, I’m healthier and get this--I have actually been able to inspire others to start healthier habits……what a hoot!!! Earlier this month I ran (and I do use that term loosely) a 10k, that pushed me to my limit, but was SUCH a huge accomplishment. It’s something I continually look back to and remind myself of what my body is capable of. I’ve learned that I have to speak truth to myself, and have faith that I CAN do things that I’ve never done before. My past failure is not a barometer of future success. It’s funny how important it is to simply believe that you can do something. That alone sometimes can make the difference between accomplishing a goal, and quitting.

Recently I decided to intensify my workout routine by purchasing an in-home 90 day boot camp. A friend recommended the program to me after she and her husband did it (he lost 50lbs in 3 months and has kept it off for a year!!!). I couldn’t wait to get my package in the mail. When it finally arrived, I completely panicked. I buried my fear in food and refused to look at the materials. “Who am I to think that I can consistently workout 6 days a week for 3 months?” What possessed me to think I could get washboard abs? Do I even want a six-pack? And so the overwhelming thoughts swarmed through my mind like the buzzards they were; eager at the chance to pick off my defeated carcass at the start line. Looking back to my journal entries in late November I found the courage to begin. After a long talk with a good friend, I’d written that I would start telling myself that this round of eating right and exercising was going to be it. I would succeed, and I would tell myself that I would succeed whether I believed it or not. I had no idea then how pivotal that would be. So here I am again, almost 5 months later with the same dilemma before me. I can hope that I’ll make it, although fearing failure at every turn; or I can tell myself that I WILL be successful in completing the program, even if I don’t quite believe it myself. I think that’s something called faith-believing in something that I can’t YET see.

And speaking of faith, I’m so grateful to all the people who’ve had faith in me when I didn’t have faith in myself. While I may have seen results recently, everyone who’s ever encouraged me in my weight loss journey is a part of my success today.

SO here’s to the next 90 days, I know I won’t be perfect, but I believe that I will complete the program and see amazing results! If I wasn’t such a chicken I’d post my before pictures with this blog, but before pictures are much less depressing when you have an after picture right next to it :)

Re-entry

I have been back now for a little over a week. All the events that have happened since I first boarded the plane could each be a seperate blog in and of itself, but I decided to play catch up by creating one blog with the whole enchillada!

This time two weeks ago I was sobbing my eyes out as I said good-bye to people who'd become my family. Then on Friday the 13th VERY early, I said one final good-bye and began the LONG bumpy journey back to the States. After a series of delays and missed flights, I finally ended up in DC w/my sis and got to enjoy sights of the capitol as I began recovering from jet lag.

I also enjoyed my first taste of sweet potatoes in 2 years....yum!!

We stayed at an incredible Bed and Breakfast that I would highly recommend to anyone visiting the DC area http://www.suite34.us.com/bnb.html.

A few days later I was back in the metroplex enjoying a warm welcome from my family and a few close girl friends.

Many thanks to my fabulous hair stylist Mrs. G who had my locks looking dark and lovely, all without charging me a dime!!!

Before

During

After!

Now I have to brag on my family for a little bit here :)

My sister has been soooo great at helping me readjust to American culture. Bless her for being calm in the face of my frequent outbursts and consistently asking "what was culture shock for you today." It's also nice having a workout buddy who is always ehm "highly encouraging" me to workout when I'd rather not :)

I went shopping with my brother, and it was INCREDIBLE. Can I just say that my brother has impeccable taste in fashion, and an uncanny sense of what will look good on someone. He was patient (I tried on over 20 pairs of jeans alone!), conscious of my budget, brutally honest, and well, every girl should be so lucky as to have a brother like mine!

I think the thing I've enjoyed the most has been LAUGHING constantly with my family. I'd forgotten how much fun we can have together.

I've definintely had moments of culture shock.......

-why is that guy coming on to me? Oh wait, he's just making eye contact-it's called good customer service :)

-people are wearing sweats and workout clothes in public and they're not working out!

-everyone drives so well-behaved here; they all stay in their own lanes!

-what's up with so much ice in drinks

-i miss the sea and mountains, everything here is rather flat

-yummy cheap fruits and veggies where are you???

-sometimes I open my mouth to speak and English doesn't come out....lol

......but overall, I'd say I'm doing alright. I can honestly say that I miss my home on the far side of the sea, but it's also good to be back in the Lone Star State!

Flat Footed Conformity

I have flat feet that only like to fit into size 12-13 shoes. Yeah, shoe shopping-like looking for a needle in a haystack! Since I’ve been jogging regularly my feet have been hurting more and I’ve decided that the best solution would be to purchase some insoles for support. After a 6 month wait (the joy of living overseas!), they finally arrived last month. I started wearing them for a couple of hours a day and was convinced that the manufacturers were playing dirty tricks on me. They hurt like @#!$%&!!! Seriously, I’d crawl into bed every night just wanting to elevate my feet, my entire body hurting from the pain.

Funny thing is that they are exactly what my feet need. I’ve worn shoes with no support for so long, that the best thing for me felt like cruel and unusual punishment. Now, 3 weeks later, my feet don’t protest nearly as much at wearing the insoles. It actually feels good to wear them. But they reminded me of an important truth. So often I choose what feels good and right when those are the very things that are keeping me from growing and building muscles that have been weak for far too long.