A Time for Everything

Soooo, this blog's been a little quiet of late, because some rather deep thoughts have been percolating. I got the opportunity to go to a re-entry conference this past week, and *sigh* I finally feel okay again. Funny enough, that feeling comes at realizing that things will never be the same again. But knowing that and being okay with that are two VERY different things. There are a thousand things I'd love to elaborate on, but I think the moment that struck me the most was when we got to watch the end of Return of the King (the 3rd in the Lord of the Rings trilogy). Now the first time I watched it, I was just sooooo ready for the movie to finally end. This time however, I couldn't stop the stream of tears as I deeply felt the paradox of "coming home" that Frodo and his companions experienced. (Trust me, the irony of crying because I was empathizing with a hobbit did not escape me).

To refresh your memory, Frodo and his companions arrive back in the shire (visions and dreams of which had sustained them during their journey), and it's home, but yet it's not the same. The 4 companions sit down at the pub where they started their journey. The scene around them is very much the same, but they are completely different. They can't enjoy the revelry as before, far too much has changed in them. They are experiencing the paradox of being back home, but no longer fitting in. Sam eventually marries the girl he left behind and has some kids. However for Frodo the shire will never be home again. He alludes to wounds he received along the journey, and painfully bids his companions good-bye and continues on down a different path. He instructs Sam to finish the book, and sails off. Finally at the end of the movie (quite some time from when he first arrived) Sam says that he is home.

I don't know how many Kleenexes I went through, but I tell you, it was no small amount. All the while I'm watching the ending, I'm remembering the first movie in the trilogy where the fellowship of the ring is formed. I'm thinking of all the things Frodo and Sam went through together. I'm reliving the moments that strengthened and tested their friendship, and I'm realizing that now it's all over with. Oh, I'm sure Sam and Frodo will keep in touch, but this quest that became both of their lives for a season was over. They didn't have demons to defeat and mountains to climb together anymore. Their paths would never intertwine in quite the same way again. So there's the loss of a deep friendship; or perhaps I should say a change in their friendship as well as the loss of this epic dream. It's beautiful really that they got to celebrate the ending in such a positive way. Many times in life the dreams we fight for, live for and even die for don't end on such a high note. But even still, there's this realization that it's over. It's time for a new journey, and a new adventure, one that will take them on different roads.

I don't know if like Frodo, I'll get to sail off to new adventures, or if like Sam my new journey will be in my own backyard with marriage and kids on the horizon, but I do know that I've finally realized that a season of my life is over. Really OVER.

I loved and hated living overseas. But in the best and worst of times, I still clung to that identity of the 20 something single living big adventures abroad. I've loved and gained, and loved and lost. I've got friendships that have gone to new depths, and friendships I've grieved the loss of. I am forever changed my things I saw God do, and the things I didn't see Him do. On the outside I look pretty much the same, but I've got some scars and wounds; some are still a little raw and need to heal, but others have given me wisdom and maturity that I greatly needed.

Grief is a funny thing. I thought I'd cried all the tears I had to cry before I returned to the States, then last week showed me that there were many more tears to fall. As my counselor said, it's not about getting the crying all over with, it's about integrating what I've gained and lost into my life now. All that I've experienced has now become a part of my story.

So goodbye to those incredible two years of living out adventures I never dreamed of. Good-bye to those hopes and dreams that I never saw come to pass. Good-bye to the doors and opportunities that were once in a lifetime events. I think I'm ready to open my hands to what the next chapter of life holds. I'll keep a couple tissues handy for the moments that catch me off guard, but I'll also start trying on some dancing shoes.

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven....
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance