Today

I want to remember today.

I want to remember the feeling of starting a photography business with a Rebel and a laptop.

I want to remember what it's like to drive a car with the paint peeling off.

I want to remember what it's like to live at home with the parents.

I want to remember these humble beginnings.

Simple Moments

There are moments like this that are so normal. I'm on my computer. I hear one sibling on the phone, another puttering around in their room. My Dad's voice rises and falls as he converses with passion and conviction, and my mom's laugh is filtering up the stairs in random spurts. This is my normal and I love it. It is a simple beautiful moment, and I soak in the joy of it.

Certifiable

I come from a family of extreme health nuts. I tried to deny it for a while, but I am coming to accept the truth that I am one of them :) Recently my brother decided to give up corn syrup. The idea of ingesting sugared corn water in everything he ate was too much for him. I had NO intentions of giving it up, I may have some healthy tendencies, but I like my sweets. Well, wouldn't you know that his eating habits have had some ripple effects. There's no point for me to get something for the house that I know he won't eat. And do you know how many things have corn syrup in them? Reading those food labels can be an eye opening experience friends. So here I am taking another step down the road to becoming a certifiable health nut. Watch out, soon I might be grinding my own wheat to make bread from scratch! Actually, that doesn't sound half bad.....

African Queen

Today is my mom's birthday. She is a queen in so many ways, a true African Queen. I love her laugh, her smile, and the small gap in her teeth that I inherited. She is faithful to pray, I mean PRAY! I've learned to give lavishly and generously from her, and I'm still learning to cook like her. NOBODY can make rice and stew feel like a gourmet meal :) Her integrity is unswerving and her tenacity relentless. Not only is she my mother, but I've learned to share her over the years with others who need mothering. I'm glad that as I've grown older and matured that I can understand her better and our relationship is blooming into a friendship.

Happy Birthday Mom!!

Fleeting

Have you ever had those moments that just slap you in the face with how short life is? Seems like I've been getting slapped around quite a bit lately with those moments. I'll see a young girl, and while I have no idea who she is, the self-conscious way she holds her head, the wide eyed innocence in her eyes, and her long limbs not yet coordinated will have me blinking to remind myself that I'm not looking in a mirror. Seriously, when did that tall awkward 12 year old turn into a grown woman? I really still feel like I'm still 16 sometimes, yet I know I'm not...when did that happen? Oh dear, that sounded like something my parents would say.....


Other things take me by surprise too. An announcement for a conference or concert that I would have jumped at in the past, but now I barely give it a passing glance. The time for those things is over, and I never even realized it was passing. We pay so much attention to "firsts" in life, but the "lasts" ghost by and aren't even recognized as lasts until way too long.


In some relationships I've been honored to be able to celebrate the beginning, the ordinary in between, and the close. But I find that's not the norm. More often than not, a random occurrence will yank me back to the last time I went Christmas shopping with her, talked in giddy tones with him, or stayed up all night with them. I'm not sad or bitter or even melancholy. Maybe I'm just getting sentimental in my ripe old age :) Or maybe I am realizing once again that life is but a vapor.


I find myself wanting to suck the marrow out of the simple things in life. I don't have to live out a big crazy adventure anymore. I just want to take in the joy of my Dad's laugh, enjoy the easy camraderie of being with my siblings, and eat seconds of food that ONLY my Mom can cook so well.


The Devil tries to tempt me with fear that something bad is about to happen, so I better enjoy today; but I know that truly whether tomorrow holds tragedy or ecstasy, I want to rejoice in the gift of today.


A truth that has really changed my life is that with every transition in life there is something to grieve and something to celebrate. I'm glad to be experiencing a season of life right now where the changes are minimal. But I know everything can change in the blink of an eye. Even in the good changes, there can be sadness over what once was, but is no more. I don't want to regret not simply being with the ones I love, enjoying good health and fresh air, or the luxury of quiet and stillness to enjoy my own thoughts. Perhaps if I'm grateful for all of it, then I will be celebrating the firsts and the lasts.

The Last Page

I'm a "read the last page of the book first" kind of a girl.

Well, actually a "read the last sentence of the last page first" kind of a girl.

And I never read epilogues-that's totally against the rules.

And yes, there are rules to this in case you didn't know.

The point is I like to know the ending. I want to know if the guy and the girl will get together, or is that heifer of a so called best friend going to steal him away. Will the mystery be solved? Do the good guys win? I can't possibly read a book with all these questions rolling around in my head. I need at the very least a clue to know that things are going to end well.

And if things are NOT going to end well, then I definitely need to know before I put myself through the torture of reading the whole book anticipating the wrong outcome. I can't get my hopes up only to be bitterly dashed on the last page. Knowing a tiny bit of the ending, not the whole story mind you-things have to be kept interesting, but knowing just enough about the ending, helps my heartbeat stay regular as I read the whole book.

Well, try as I might I can't fast forward through time to read the "last page" of 2010. I have no idea if this girl will get that guy, or if people I care about will die. I can't see what mind boggling dreams of mine just might come true and what tragic curve balls will punch me in the gut. The little kid part of me is excited and hopeful because I know there are some amazingly good things in store. However the mature voice in my head that comes out on rare occasions is reminding me that death comes early to some; friendships blow up in your face, or worse yet whimper to a sad sorry ending; and dreams and hopes get put away in dusty boxes as responsibilities fog the glasses of the starry eyed dreamer.

Such is life.

In the midst of these musings I've received some comfort from an old leather bound journal, that held much of my memories from just a year ago. As I glanced in the rear view mirror of my life it was so sweet to be reminded of what life was really like.

I was lonely. A lot.

I had some crazy fun adventures.

And I was lonely. A lot.

I spent some time with friends both new and old.

And I spent a lot of time alone (noticing a theme here?).

But through it all God was my constant companion. As I glanced through the Rolodex of names that appeared frequently in my journal (shout out to my friends and family who loved me through Skype!), I realized that in all of those people and in the quiet times God was who was there. He alone walked with me as I learned to embrace the loneliness of that season. And it was really His voice I heard through the friends and family I talked to back in the States. I really grew to know Him as my friend. My very best friend. How sweet to be able to look back and see His voice, His hands, His whisper, His presence in my every situation. It's the sweetness that is only appreciated after the bitter.

So as I begin 2010, part of me really wants to read the last page of the year. Both anxiety and excitement try taking turns occupying my mind as I debate what new experiences I'll have lived through this time next year. But REALLY through it all I am at peace because I know that my Best Friend will be with me.